![[The SHOP Fuzzy Bunny cartoon Elgaroo made for the Fuzzy Flier that was never made]](img/fuzzbunn.gif)
The very first Fuzzy Bunny stories, created during recess I think mostly in seventh grade for the entertainment of my best friends Andrew and Yang, and later written down on a purple binder devider.
The next Fuzzy Bunny stories were more often written on a red binder devider as a distraction during class, and then read to my friends during recess. I think most of these were done during eigth grade. A few have not been typed up yet.
These stories were writen during my freshman year at Oakland Mills High School. I wrote them either on various manilla binder deviders or in a little notepad.
I only wrote one and a half Fuzzy Bunny stroires my second year of high school, at witch time weather I was a sophomore or a freshman again was up for debate. I was displeased with the first one. I didn't think that it was funny enough and I thought that I had fallen into writing Fuzzy Bunny stories in a repetative, unoriginal manner. Halfway through the second one, I quit because of this and decided never to write a Fuzzy Bunny story again. They were writen in a small notepad that I had set aside for Fuzzy Bunny stories, which largely remained blank.
My friends and I often got incredibly bored in our junior high school English class. To help aleiviate this somewhat, I let those that hadden't already read my Fuzzy Bunny stories. They all enjoyed them greatly, and two of them even wrote Fuzzy Bunny stories of thier own. These are the two stories writen by my friend Danny Ferro, in the back of the notepad where I wrote the freshmore Fuzzy Bunny stories.
This is the story writen by the other friend of mine in my 11th grade English class that wrote a Fuzzy Bunny story, Mike Burdnt. I forget how to spell his last name correctly. Sorry. He wrote it in the same place as Danny Ferro
I came out of my Fuzzy Bunny hiatus with a bang! This is my (comparatively) huge Fuzzy Bunny Christmas story, roughly a parody of A Chritmas Charol. This has even been published in the Oakland Mills High School Literary Magazine. I wrote it on my (crappy) computer soon after Christmas, 1995, using WordPerfect.
I wrote my latest Fuzzy Bunny story in Stacey Shade's high school yearbook near the end of school in 1996. It was rather long and describes his encounter with Oakland Mills High Schools Students Helping Other People, an anti drug and community service group I was a member of. Unfortunately, the still hasn't given it to me so I can type it up and put it on here. This is her e-mail address: rtshade@ix.netcom.com If you want to complain about the absence of this story, complain to her.
One day, Fuzzy Bunny was walking through the forest. He was happy, and wasn't watching where he was going. He landed on a very large fire ant hill. The fire ants were very angry and swarmed on to Fuzzy Bunny and started to sting him to death. As he was losing conciousness from loss of blood, paralyzed by fire and poison, and half dazed by pain, he thought, "This would be a good time for the moral." So the moral of this story is, "Look before you leap," and, "Don't get fire ants angry."
One day Fuzzy Bunny was out for a good time. He saw a prostitute, and decided to pick her up. Fuzzy Bunny took the prostitute to his apartment. When he closed the door, the prostitute pulled a gun on him. She was an undercover cop and was putting Fuzzy Bunny under arrest for solicitation. Fuzzy Bunny tried to run away, but the cop pumped about ten caps into him, hiting a number of vital organs. As he was dying in a warm pool of his own blood, he thought, "Oops!" The moral of this story is, "Don't pick up prostitutes, because it's illegal," and, "Don't try to run from a cop with a gun."
One day, Fuzzy Bunny went in to a steel mill. He was fascinated by the glowing metal and sparks. He climbed up a slide so he could see better. All of the sudden, Fuzzy Bunny felt a scorching heat. Then all of his fuzz burnt off. He was no longer Fuzzy Bunny, but Bald Bunny. He turned around and saw molten steel coming down the slide. He didn't have time to get out of the way, and was engulfed in the super heated metal. He was melted in to the steel.
Later, a little boy saw a quarter. It was red and had the half melted head of Bald Bunny in it. The moral of this story is, "Don't play in a steel mill. You may loose all your hair, die, and end up in a quarter."
One day, Fuzzy Bunny spent the last of his money on some alcohol, for Fuzzy Bunny had become an alcoholic. He decided to rob a bank in order to get more money for more alcohol. Unfortunately, when Fuzzy Bunny was in the vault putting money into a bag, the door closed and locked. He slowly ran out of air, and eventually went mad trying to get out. Eventually he died. The moral of this story is, "Don't try to rob a bank," "Don't go into a bank vault," and, "Don't become an alcoholic."
One day, Fuzzy Bunny was walking through a war zone. He didn't watch the news, and therefore didn't know that he was walking through a war zone, or that another country had launched nuclear missiles aimed at the veary area he was walking through. Suddenly, he was shot in the leg by an enimy soldier, and could no longer walk. He watched in pain as a nuclear missile came down a few yards away. He was instantly vaporized by the nuclear explosion. The moral of this story is, "Watch the news."
One day, Fuzzy Bunny decided to go swimming. Unfortunately, He didn't know how to read, and therefore didn't read the sign that said, "Shark Infested Water -- Do Not Enter!". He waded in and was imediately attacked by a small shark. The blood from his wound attracted every shark within ten miles. There was a huge feeding frenzy, and Fuzzy Bunny is now in the stomachs of over one-hundred sharks. The moral of this story is, "Learn to read," and, "Don't swim in shark infested waters."
One day, Fuzzy Bunny was playing in somebodies house. He saw a strange, clear pitcher sitting on top of a metal box with lost of buttons on it. He decided it would be a fun to play inside of it. However, as he climbed in he accidentally pushed one of the buttons, and then fell in. It was then that he learned what a blender is. Blood, guts, and bone chips were sprayed all over the kitchen. Fuzzy Bunny died. The moral of this story is, "Don't hide in a blender."
One day, Fuzzy Bunny was happily bouncing on a trampoline. Being a bunny, he was naturally very good at it and could bounce very high. Unfortunately, he happened to be bouncing right under a major air traffic lane. He bounced very high and was sucked into the jet-engine air intake of a huge jumbo-jet. His body was chewed up, burnt up, mutilated, and over all mangled. His remains, a charred bloody pulp, were shot out of the jet exhaust as the large airliner lost power and plummeted to the earth, killing hundreds of passengers. The moral of this story is, "Don't bounce on a trampoline under an air traffic lane."
One day, Fuzzy Bunny decided to go on a vacation. His travel agent suggested a beautiful tropical island in remote Indonesia. The travel agent failed to mention, however, that the natives of that island sacrificed bunnies to the great and all-mighty god, Bob. When Fuzzy Bunny arrived, he had a few hours of restful bliss before the natives caught him in a net, stabbed him exactly 1,000 times with a tiny needle, gauged out his eyeballs, forced hot coals into every orifice of his body, slowly skinned him alive and dipped him in rubbing alcohol (from the local K-Mart), and finally slowly lowered his body into an active volcano, all in the traditional way of the all-mighty Bob. The entire process is one of the most painful experiences in the history of torture. The moral of this story is, "Always make sure you have a good travel agent," and, "Keep away from Bob worshippers. They're psycho!"
One day, Fuzzy Bunny was hopping through a field. Unfortunately, the field was being used as a military bomb testing site. When the bomb exploded, Fuzzy Bunny was burnt to a crisp, and the force of the explosion blew Fuzzy Bunny's charred remains straight up through the stratosphere, where he was suffocated and decompressed (Eeww!) His remains then fell back to Earth and landed in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. He drowned, and sank to the bottom. There he was crushed by the extreme pressure and finally fell into a rift leading deep into the volcanic center of the Earth. The moral of this story is, "Don't hop, or walk, or do anything on a military bomb testing site. Just keep away from them altogether."
One day, Fuzzy Bunny met Beavis and Butt-Head. There isn't much more to this story. I think you can probably figure it out for yourself. The moral of this story is, "Never ever meet Beavis and Butt-Head. Don't even go with in ten miles of them if you are a small, furry animal."
One day, Fuzzy Bunny was crossing the street. Unfortunately, he did not look both ways first. He was almost hit by a huge eighteen-wheeler, but he agilely dodged all eighteen of the tires. Unfortunately, his long ears got caught on one of the axles. This particular truck was on a cross-country trip from New York to L.A. Fuzzy Bunny was dragged over thousands of miles of asphalt at speeds exceeding 65 miles per hour. By the time the truck finally arrived at it's destination in Los Angeles, nothing was left but his ears tangled in the axle. The rest of his body had been slowly scraped off and was now a trail of blood, tissue, and organs from New York to L.A. He died. The moral of this story is, "Look both ways before crossing the street," and, "Be very careful around large machinery if you have very long hair, or ears."
One day, Fuzzy Bunny saw a big hole in the ground. He thought it would make a good home for a bunny, so he hopped in. Unfortunately, the hole just happened to be a missile silo. Fuzzy Bunny landed right on top of the missile, somehow triggering it to launch. It fired and Fuzzy Bunny was carried high into the sky, across the Atlantic Ocean, and finally landed right in the middle of Red Square, Moscow, U.S.S.R. Unfortunately, this particular missile just happened to be carrying a 50 megaton nuclear warhead, and it produced a huge nuclear explosion right on top of Fuzzy Bunny, not to mention Moscow, a split second after he was cruelly crushed on impact. The detonation annihilated Fuzzy Bunny and most of Moscow. As a result, the U.S.S.R. fired thousands of intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBM's) back at the U.S.A. As a result of this, U.S.A. launched thousands more ICBM's back at U.S.S.R. A world wide nuclear holocaust ensued, and the few survivors soon experienced a deep nuclear winter which killed off the last few humans, animals, plants, and bunnies. The Earth then remained a desolate radioactive wasteland for the next couple of billion years. Fuzzy Bunny died. The moral of this story is, "Keep away from ICBM silos," and, "Nuclear war sucks!"
One day, Fuzzy Bunny was playing in the snow. It had been snowing all week, and before that it had been raining. Unfortunately, this made everything look the same because of the thick carpet of snow and ice, and it was very slippery all over. While Fuzzy Bunny was playing, he unknowingly slid into the street. When he saw a street-sweeper, snow-blower, salt truck coming his way he tried to run. Unfortunately, he slipped and fell, breaking his leg and dislocating his shoulder. He wriggled and writhed in pain, but it was no use. He couldn't move out of the way. The driver of the truck would have seen him and stopped to help, but Fuzzy Bunny had molted into his white winter fur coat, and the driver couldn't see him in the white snow. As the truck ran over Fuzzy Bunny, it sucked him up, sliced and ground him into a fine, bloody pulp, mixed him with a salt solution (quite a painful process), and spit him out on the side of the road with the rest of the snow-sludge. His bloody paste made quite a colorful contrast on the white snow. Unfortunately, over the course of the day, numerus cars mushed the snow, ice, salt, and Fuzzy Bunny's remains into a disgusting, brown-gray sludge. No one even noticed. Fuzzy Bunny died. The moral of this story is, "Be careful in ice and snow," and, "Keep away from snow trucks."
One day, Fuzzy Bunny went to a heavy metal concert. Playing there was Metallica, Megadeath, Rage Against the Machine, and Nirvana. There were hundreds of crazed metalheads there, and in their excitement they crowded together and thrashed about to the brain-disablingly loud music.
One fine, sunny September morning Fuzzy Bunny was hoppin' around, twitching his cute li'l nose and staring at grass with those huge eyes of his (You know, general bunny activities.)
While he was minding his own business, chewing the cud and laying millions of little rabbit turds, a storm was brewing. The clouds were turning darker and the air windier. Drizzle began to fall. Fuzzy Bunny, using his exceptional rabbit senses and intelligence, decides to go to sleep, right under a nice tree.
The storm gathers speed and force, and distant lightning crashes. A flash of blinding bright lightning screams across the air, striking the tree and making it explode.
The force sends Fuzzy Bunny sprawling across the grass, right into a ten lane interstate highway (Did I neglect to mention the highway?) A twenty wheeled super truck roars over Fuzzy Bunny's dazed body, tearing off a leg. Fuzzy Bunny, squirting vital bodily fluids and getting light-headed, gets struck (ironically) by a Volkswagen Rabbit and shatters his tiny skull.
Fuzzy Bunny gets smeared and run over from here to Tokyo, which is an amazing feat considering this happened in Texas.
Fuzzy Bunny was evading a predator one fine morning when he stumbled across a rabbit farm. There were some fine rabbit women there. From what Fuzzy Bunny could tell, this was a free-for-all brothel. Fuzzy Bunny, wearing a massive grin on his face (most rabbits can't show any emotion whatsoever even when they are getting dissected) bounds through a hole in the fence and mates his happy little heart out. Two hours later, happy and content, Fuzzy Bunny lights up a cigarette. Fuzzy Bunny, not in his right mind throws the still smoking butt right into a misplaced bucket of TNT. The entire rabbit farm goes up in a fireball of scorching hot torment. Hundreds of rabbits scamper about with their little ears flaming. Eyeballs melt pouring down their little faces. The rabbits are soon all cooked to a crisp, and picked at by scavenger birds.
The moral: "Always practice safe sex."
Fuzzy Bunny was in school. There were not many bunnies in his school so he did not have many friends. So, in order to make friends, he became the class clown.
One day, in class, Fuzzy Bunny was acting up as usual, and the permanent substitute teacher, Miss Urbas, got really really mad. Fuzzy Bunny thought maybe she was on her period. He kept on acting up so she attacked him with her special Steelers pen. She stabbed him repeatedly, causing massive bleeding and hemorrhaging. Fuzzy Bunny was rushed to the hospital and the doctor saved his right eye and two teeth but he still died. The end.
One Christmas Eve, Elgaroo was nodding off eating pumpkin pie, listening to Da Yoopers, and watching It's A Wonderful Life, when suddenly he was awakened by the Maxx. This surprised the crap out of Elgaroo. The Maxx was pissed at Elgaroo for being mean to bunnies, namely Fuzzy Bunny, because the Maxx is/was kind of a bunny, but he was probably just a plumber in the way of Julie's spirit animal. Well anyway, Maxx woke up Elgaroo, so Elgaroo gave him some Pez and toast. After eating his Pez and toast, Maxx told Elgaroo that because he was so mean to bunnies, especially Fuzzy Bunny, he was going to be visited by three spirits that night before Letterman was over. Then he left to go squish some izs in the wild outback, etc. He didn't even say "Thank you" for the Pez and toast. Isn't that rude? Elgaroo sure thought so!
Well, anyway, once It's A Wonderful Life was over, the first spirit visited Elgaroo. It was a giant-woolly-sabertoothed Spirit of Bunnies Past. It sent Elgaroo back to the age of the dinosaurs just in time to see them wiped out by these vicious bunny-beasts. The bunnies then created a great civilization. Unfortunately, they turned into a bunch of leftist liberal wussies and became small and timid and were eaten in great quantities. The ancient ancestor of the bunny then took me to Christmas three years ago. Elgaroo was there reading the original red and purple Fuzzy Bunny stories. Elgaroo had already had Fuzzy Bunny eaten by army ants, sharks, shot by undercover slutty female prostitute cops, incinerated, vaporized, coined, depressurized, and undergo a plethora of other unspeakable tortures for the simple entertainment of himself, Andrew, and Yang. Then Elgaroo was back home in the present. Elgaroo thought "Wow!"
Elgaroo was only able to watch the beginning of Letterman and was just about to get to the Top Ten list when the second spirit came. And who was the Spirit of Bunnies Present but the disembodied spirit of Fuzzy Bunny himself having yet to be reincarnated as Fuzzy Bunny again for the next story. He probably would have showed Elgaroo something deep and profound, but someone called the Ghostbusters and they zapped his ass. Elgaroo thought, "Hey! Cool! The Ghostbusters! (I wonder if Egon's Related to Pumplin?)"
Elgaroo then went back to watch the rest of The Late Show, but just before Bootie and the Stripped Bass finished their famous song "Hold My Spam", the final spirit arrived. It was the giant-shiny-golden-six-armed-three-headed-Bunny God of Enlightenment to be Elgaroo's Spirit of Bunnies Future. THE BUNNY showed Elgaroo how Elgaroo's Fuzzy Bunny stories grew in popularity in Oakland Mills, and then the rest of Columbia, and then Maryland, until they were nationally, and then internationally syndicated and published as Fuzzy Bunny Books, Fuzzy Bunny Comics, Fuzzy Bunny Cartoons, Fuzzy Bunny Action Figures, Fuzzy Bunny Barbie, and an infinite variety of other Fuzzy Bunny merchandise. With the patent of the Fuzzy Bunny Pez dispenser, bunnies quickly became a global religious obsession. Unfortunately, as bunnies became more prevalent than any other animal on Earth, they multiplied exponentially, eventually smothering out all human life, and finally achieving critical mass, turning the Earth into another star. This did however make our former solar system much cooler looking and gave the Martians another chance at life.
Then Elgaroo was suddenly back at home watching the Late Late Show. Elgaroo thought, "Wow! That was really cool. And it gives me a great idea for a new Fuzzy Bunny story!" He then proceeded to write one of the funniest Fuzzy Bunny stories he ever wrote and laughed his ass off. And then a bunny the size of Cleveland landed on his house. The End.
The moral of this story is, "Don't dis spirits," and, "Happy Christmas!"
![[IMG: A large bunny being arrested; From the Washington Post]](img/bunnybust.jpg)
| Thee Rev St of Skuzzbunnies, Sr Elgaroo Brenza du sLAcKE
* | * Cytoplastic Ninja Clan, Psychic Enema Division
/|\ elgaroo@13th-floor.org, elgaroo@hotmail.com
/ | \ http://elgaroo.13th-floor.org/
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\/|\/ "Now why didn't you just put the bunny back in the box?"